I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
