she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
