pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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