My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
