So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
