felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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