I wish I could punch you in the face.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
