He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
