I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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