Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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