Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
