She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
