he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
