as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
