I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
