i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
