is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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