Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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