I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
