so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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