it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
