eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
