I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
