I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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