I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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