We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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