True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
