I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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