just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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