You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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