I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
