dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
