My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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