oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
