im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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