so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Vodka?
Forever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
