sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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