I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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