I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
