My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
