so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
