"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
