Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
