i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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