I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
