the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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