My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
