You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Green mimosas i think yes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
