Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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