Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
