its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
