i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
