an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
