The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
