i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
