my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
