i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize