I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
