I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
