There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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