I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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