just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
