his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
